Thursday, August 9, 2012

Let's get serious because I need to be real today.

We have been trying to have a baby since September 2010. There, I said it! It's shameful and embarrassing and uncomfortable to admit. I don't discuss procreation with my family or friends. Our families just think we're waiting for the right time. I know they're getting impatient, but there's no way that I'm telling them, "oh, it's almost been 2 years now. Thanks for making me feel guilty."

That's exactly how I feel: guilty. Like it's all my fault we're not having a baby. Who knows whose fault it is. It could be that I barely see my husband. I see him 8 days out of every month. It could be bad timing. It could be numerous things. I know the first thing out of people's mouths would be, "well, you're too fat to get pregnant."

So I've been exercising and dieting and doing everything I can to lead a healthy life. I gave up this month. I ate horribly. I didn't go to the gym. I just didn't have it in me because finally those two years of trying just got to me. This month has been a real doozy.

I had my first month of ovulation tests and I didn't ovulate once. I read in the instructions that sometimes women don't ovulate every month, but that really didn't comfort me. Now I feel like something is truly wrong and it's time to make the doctor's appointment. I'm scared that the doctor will dismiss my fears and just tell me to lose weight or take vitamins. I'm afraid of my fears being treated roughly. I won't lie: I want the doctor to coddle me. I want an optimistic opinion with all the sugar coating they can muster!

It's the worst feeling to be sitting with this disappointment. I'm at the age where many of my friends are having kids, and it kills me every single time. I can't stand looking at those Facebook statuses and pictures. Whenever I read or hear from a friend that they're tired of listening to their baby cry or changing diapers or potty training I just want to scream out, "I WOULD KILL FOR THAT MOMENT!" My boss is trying for a second and is complaining that it's taking more than a month to get pregnant. I just smile, but I really want to say, "Seriously? Try two years of nothing and then get back to me about 'too long'." I never say anything because I don't want people to know.

I don't want to hear the stories of their friends who gave up trying and got pregnant. I don't want to be told that there are greater plans or that I need to stop worrying about it. I don't want to hear any anecdotes or opinions or be told what I should do. I just want someone to say, "you know what, Nessa? That really freaking blows and I'm sorry you're going through this." That's really it. I want people to really think about how incredibly frustrating it is for a person whose taken care of children all her life to NOT be able to have her own child.

Maybe this is my call to the Gods. Maybe by finally bringing it to light, they'll decide to play a trick on me and I'll be pregnant next month and wondering why I was so depressed. I thought getting pregnant would be so easy. That month we started trying I just KNEW I'd be pregnant. I went through so many pregnancy tests because I just couldn't wait to see if I'd be late. Nope, I needed to know even though I had no symptoms. I was so sure we were going to get pregnant quickly that we bought stuff. We have baby blankets, bottles, cloth diapers, toys, clothes. They're sitting in storage tubs in the garage. Baby stuff shouldn't be in the garage. It should be in my house being used by our baby!

I spent a few months getting my baby/child fix by donating to families through Soldier's Angels Operation TopKnot. It's where you buy items for military families. Every month I'd pick out adorable clothes and toys and think, "will I ever get to do this for my own child?"

"Do the families realize how lucky they are to have this little person in their lives?"

It kills me every day that I don't have a child. I feel that at my age, I shouldn't have to look up reproductive specialists and the cost to adopt and foster. It kills me that I try to make money on items that I can't even use because I don't have kids.

It kills me to answer the question of us having any children with a no. It just breaks my heart.

And sadly, I'm not alone. It's incredibly scary how many young women all over blog land are dealing with infertility. I try to stay optimistic because I really am only at the beginning of it all. I haven't went through the procedures to determine what exactly is wrong. I think I'm really just in denial that it'll happen on its own.

I'm not really a religious person. I don't know if this is karma or a god's plan or whatever. Maybe there isn't some other plan except me just plain not having children. All I know is that it freaking sucks. It's utter crap. It's unfair and right now this is my own personal temper tantrum. I just want to scream out that it isn't fair. This was supposed to be easy. This was supposed to simple and neat and perfect. I'm really tired of struggling. I've done it all my life. I think I deserve having something come to me without extra work. Just for once. It's just not in the cards.

All I know, right now, is that no matter what I'm going to be a mother. If that means saving every penny to adopt, I'll do it. If it means injections, I'll do it (okay, who am I kidding? I'll make Todd do it for me). If it means me eating only organic foods, I'll do it. If it means living in a plastic bubble without craft projects or television... I'll think about it. Either way, it's going to happen. I'm going to make it happen!

Thanks for reading. I'm sure I'll be back to irregularly scheduled posts like usual soon. I'm kind of stuck on both the living room and craft room which leaves me laying on the couch watching reruns of Roseanne.


Kayla A. said...

I'm going to be that friend - Not getting pregnant f-ing sucks and isn't fair! I think you're going to be such a great mom! One of these days I'm going to take a note of your awesome-ness and courage and post on my blog about the same thing. I don't have any words of wisdom (obviously, none of it has worked for me so far either) but I will be the friend who agrees and sympathizes that it SUCKS! And the next person who tells me to lose weight and it will happen is going to getting a knitting needle in the eye! My neighbor weighs at LEAST 75lb more than me, she has 4 kids. If you ever need to vent, yell, scream, cry or a work-out buddy, let me know! It WILL happen for you! I will send positive thoughts your way until the day you post pics on facebook of your baby. =]

Kira - said...

Nessa, you are so brave for posting this. I wrote a really similar one just last month and never had the heart to hit "publish". It sucks, hard, and I'm so sorry you're having to feel these feelings. You're doing a great job, and you're doing your best. That's all anyone can ask or expect of you and Todd.

Best of luck finding a good doc that you like. If you go someplace and aren't comfortable, try another! I hope it's something that can be easily remedied and they can find it quick. Mine is "unexplained infertility." Lame. Anyway, if you want to talk to me about any of this (the tests, the frustration, etc) please know that you can. *GIANT HUG*

PitterAndGlink said...

Nessa, you're completely right. Not being able to have a baby is terrible. Only people who have experienced it can understand what you're going through, and even then, they only understand it through the eyes of their experience. It is heartbreaking to see all the baby photos on Facebook and baby commercials on TV and baby clothes in stores, and know that you don't have a baby. And it sucks to hear people complain about their children like you said. Yeah, it's scary to be in your shoes, and it's depressing and lonely. But please know that you're not alone. Don't feel bad for feeling sad or angry. It's part of the "process" I've found. And don't feel defined by your infertility. You are MUCH MORE than just someone who can't get pregnant right now. If you need to talk, I'm here just like these other ladies. :)

Mindy said...

you are brave to say it, and it does suck.
i will not go on and on and try to comfort you and give you hope, i hate that this is happening far too much to people i care about.
it blows huge rotten, horrible, stinky, piss you off chunks.
you will be an awesome mother.

Anonymous said...

When I found this blog, this was the first post I read. And I wanted to comment and decided today I would.
I am doing it anonymous because I might be a wimp for the backlash I might get, but I want to just share and no judgement intended.
I am not a skinny girl, yet I am pregnant the second time and I promise you this, the first time is because I quit sugar for 4 months. Sugar (whites) causes ovulation to stop..... most woman that struggle with PCOS is overweight. That is when ovalation goes more time apart thus getting your periods irregularyly. The seconde pregnancy was luck. I was eating horribly and we just happen to conceive the right day. But we couldn't caluculate due date until my sonar because the dates was screwed due to overweight sugary me... So feel sorry for yourself, its normal for our girls but to encourage you. Be honest with yourself. Don't allow it to make you full of guilt instead let the honesty and strenght of character make you love yourself more!!! And if I am completely wrong and have not encouraged you then you can have a good gossip and be mad at the rude commentator on your life. Good luck.

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