That's exactly how I feel: guilty. Like it's all my fault we're not having a baby. Who knows whose fault it is. It could be that I barely see my husband. I see him 8 days out of every month. It could be bad timing. It could be numerous things. I know the first thing out of people's mouths would be, "well, you're too fat to get pregnant."
So I've been exercising and dieting and doing everything I can to lead a healthy life. I gave up this month. I ate horribly. I didn't go to the gym. I just didn't have it in me because finally those two years of trying just got to me. This month has been a real doozy.
I had my first month of ovulation tests and I didn't ovulate once. I read in the instructions that sometimes women don't ovulate every month, but that really didn't comfort me. Now I feel like something is truly wrong and it's time to make the doctor's appointment. I'm scared that the doctor will dismiss my fears and just tell me to lose weight or take vitamins. I'm afraid of my fears being treated roughly. I won't lie: I want the doctor to coddle me. I want an optimistic opinion with all the sugar coating they can muster!
It's the worst feeling to be sitting with this disappointment. I'm at the age where many of my friends are having kids, and it kills me every single time. I can't stand looking at those Facebook statuses and pictures. Whenever I read or hear from a friend that they're tired of listening to their baby cry or changing diapers or potty training I just want to scream out, "I WOULD KILL FOR THAT MOMENT!" My boss is trying for a second and is complaining that it's taking more than a month to get pregnant. I just smile, but I really want to say, "Seriously? Try two years of nothing and then get back to me about 'too long'." I never say anything because I don't want people to know.
I don't want to hear the stories of their friends who gave up trying and got pregnant. I don't want to be told that there are greater plans or that I need to stop worrying about it. I don't want to hear any anecdotes or opinions or be told what I should do. I just want someone to say, "you know what, Nessa? That really freaking blows and I'm sorry you're going through this." That's really it. I want people to really think about how incredibly frustrating it is for a person whose taken care of children all her life to NOT be able to have her own child.
Maybe this is my call to the Gods. Maybe by finally bringing it to light, they'll decide to play a trick on me and I'll be pregnant next month and wondering why I was so depressed. I thought getting pregnant would be so easy. That month we started trying I just KNEW I'd be pregnant. I went through so many pregnancy tests because I just couldn't wait to see if I'd be late. Nope, I needed to know even though I had no symptoms. I was so sure we were going to get pregnant quickly that we bought stuff. We have baby blankets, bottles, cloth diapers, toys, clothes. They're sitting in storage tubs in the garage. Baby stuff shouldn't be in the garage. It should be in my house being used by our baby!
I spent a few months getting my baby/child fix by donating to families through Soldier's Angels Operation TopKnot. It's where you buy items for military families. Every month I'd pick out adorable clothes and toys and think, "will I ever get to do this for my own child?"
"Do the families realize how lucky they are to have this little person in their lives?"
It kills me every day that I don't have a child. I feel that at my age, I shouldn't have to look up reproductive specialists and the cost to adopt and foster. It kills me that I try to make money on items that I can't even use because I don't have kids.
It kills me to answer the question of us having any children with a no. It just breaks my heart.
And sadly, I'm not alone. It's incredibly scary how many young women all over blog land are dealing with infertility. I try to stay optimistic because I really am only at the beginning of it all. I haven't went through the procedures to determine what exactly is wrong. I think I'm really just in denial that it'll happen on its own.
I'm not really a religious person. I don't know if this is karma or a god's plan or whatever. Maybe there isn't some other plan except me just plain not having children. All I know is that it freaking sucks. It's utter crap. It's unfair and right now this is my own personal temper tantrum. I just want to scream out that it isn't fair. This was supposed to be easy. This was supposed to simple and neat and perfect. I'm really tired of struggling. I've done it all my life. I think I deserve having something come to me without extra work. Just for once. It's just not in the cards.
All I know, right now, is that no matter what I'm going to be a mother. If that means saving every penny to adopt, I'll do it. If it means injections, I'll do it (okay, who am I kidding? I'll make Todd do it for me). If it means me eating only organic foods, I'll do it. If it means living in a plastic bubble without craft projects or television... I'll think about it. Either way, it's going to happen. I'm going to make it happen!
Thanks for reading. I'm sure I'll be back to irregularly scheduled posts like usual soon. I'm kind of stuck on both the living room and craft room which leaves me laying on the couch watching reruns of Roseanne.